It’s becoming clearer and clearer to me that apologizing for an offensive perspective rarely seems to help us.
In the Internet age, we are accustomed to seeing videos or hearing recordings of famous celebrities or public figures saying ‘innappropriate’ things…and subsequently watching their legacy marred and careers torn apart.
From Michael Richards to Mel Gibson to Don Sterling most recently Hulk Hogan, we see a familiar pattern — a leaked tirade recorded at a time of weakness, followed by a profuse, awkward apology, capitulation, surrender, and lifetime scorn from mainstream society.
As a contrary example, we see US presidential candidate / billionaire celebrity Donald Trump make outlandish and offensive statements that could have shot down many a political candidate — but somehow seems to do nothing but strengthen his appeal more and more.
What’s the difference?
One could argue Donald’s comments were not as offensive as some of the other examples I mentioned. But for someone running to be the leader of the free world, his words would be held up to a much higher standard. With such a gold standard in mind, the words he uses would be considered even more shockingly offensive.
So what’s going on? Why are some figures weakened, and others strengthened, by offensive remarks?
The answer seems simple: those who OWN their offense are strengthened, and those who are DISOWN their offense are weakened.
This goes against conventional wisdom to apologize for offending others.
In Trump’s case, he got attention with his offensive comments, and used this attention to further his message. He uses them to further break out of the filters and limitations of what is proper, thereby appealing to the voices that also yearn to break free. He definitely inspires me in this regard.
Others? They capitulate. They profusely apologize. They ask forgiveness from a vulturous media and a scapegoat-seeking public. Their apology it seems does nothing but dig their own grave.
The reality is, there is hardly a person in the world that hasn’t said, or thought, racist, sexist, derogatory stuff about their fellow man or woman. This includes me. I believe we’ll eventually realize that we’re all thinking, feeling, and going through the same stuff…but we aren’t there yet. Most of us think we’re holier than others.
We haven’t reached that maturity yet to handle that reality we’re all in the same boat. We want to find scapegoats to divert attention onto and blame. Why we are quick to scapegoat people is because we ease the tension placed on ourselves. It is kind of like a relief valve that feels good when we can blame someone else. When people publicly apologize and capitulate, they give society permission to make them a scapegoat…and society yearns for this relief.
So what do we do if we’ve clearly insulted people?
Upgrade your perspective. Leverage it for further dialog. Use it to open up the discussion. Bring the understanding to a greater place.
The worst thing seems to be to apologize, at least publicly. Blanket apology to an immature ravenous ‘public’ seems to backfire hard. When we give society permission to use us as a scapegoat, they seem to do so in a heartbeat.
At the end of the day, no matter how regrettable our actions or words, capitulating is not humility. Capitulating does not bring forgiveness. Capitualing is not healing. Capitulating invites in the most sinister of human evils — judgment. I’ve been there, and with that clear, I hope to rarely go there again.
True redemption comes from using offensive aspects of ourselves to further clarify our perspective. Maturity doesn’t hide from offense or apologize for offense — it leverages our offense. True redemption doesn’t surrender our position but further sharpens it, deepens it, and evolves it. True redemption doesn’t come from running away from an offensive perspective but rather express a perspective that is even brighter.
We don’t seek to offend people for offensive sake (that’s a whole another issue) — but rather when we do ruffle feathers with our perspective, we have the opportunity to leverage that conflict as an opportunity to shine even more brightly.
Ranjeeth Thunga
rkt@perspectivemapper.com